


clown crew B)

by soldierpoetprince



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Basira goes by they/them pronouns, Crack, Desolation Avatar Basira Hussain, End Avatar Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Eye Avatar Graham Folger, F/F, Fluff and Humor, It/Its Pronouns for The Toy Soldier (The Mechanisms), M/M, Multi, Spiral Avatar Sasha James, The Mechanisms Were The Archivist's College Band, Web Avatar Martin Blackwood, chatfic, elias and peter’s 34th divorce, i just think they’re neat :), none of them are cishet, well. are
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27228187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soldierpoetprince/pseuds/soldierpoetprince
Summary: Nikki: I Have Emotions! I Can Feel Sad! This Is Clownphobia >:o(Georgie: are they yours? they don’t count if you’ve taken them from someoneOllie: “Clownphobia”Nikki: They Are Mine, Yes. I Own Them.Georgie: did you make them yourself?Nikki: I Do Not Have To Prove Myself To YouGeorgie: sus. . .College AU where the gang is all (mostly) human and just vibe together.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Georgie Barker & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Gerard Keay & Agnes Montague & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay/Michael Shelley, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Martin Blackwood/Sasha James/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Tim Stoker, Nikola Orsinov/Helen Richardson, Oliver Banks/Graham Folger, Polyarchives - Relationship, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 86
Kudos: 340





	1. *megalovania noises*

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [claimed by gods(?) gang gang](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393751) by [EyeMug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EyeMug/pseuds/EyeMug). 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Georgie: so oliver  
> Ollie: oh god  
> Georgie: you can see when people are going to die right?  
> Ollie: somewhat, yes. Where is this going?  
> Georgie: okay okay stick with me  
> Georgie: do you know what a death pool is?  
> Ollie: i see where this is going now and my answer is no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on the world of cbggg. the timeline is dead and i've killed it, they're all just dumb college students who commit acts of dubious morality

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Jonny:** Hey, Nik? What the absolute fuck?

 **Georgie:** oh no

 **Georgie:** what happened this time?

 **Jonny:** I get home, like usual, and open up my coat closet to hang up my jacket, like usual. Nothing out of the ordinary, right? Wrong. I open up the door to see Nikola, hung on one of my hangers like a jacket. I do not know how she got in. She waves. I close the door.

 **Georgie:** BAHAHAHA

 **Ollie:** you act like Nikola breaking into your flat is a big deal

 **Ollie:** she does this all the time

 **Jonny:** I reinforced all the locks! I called a locksmith to make sure they were sturdy! I did not spend my last two paychecks on nothing!!

 **Nikki:** Don’t Worry Jon, I Didn't Break Them! They Are Still Completely Functional!

 **Nikki:** Also, Last _Two_ Paychecks? You Really Need To Get A Better Paying Job :o/

 **Gerry:** nik you don’t even have a job

 **Nikki:** I Do Not Need One!! The Stranger Supplies Me With All I Need! Jon Does Not Have That Luxury!

 **Nikki:** Unless . . . 

**Jonny:** I’m not joining the Stranger, Nikola.

 **Nikki:** I’ll Persuade You One Of These Days!

 **Ollie:** as if the Eye would ever let its poster child go

 **Jonny:** I am _not_ the Eye’s poster child.

 **Daisy:** okay teacher’s pet

 **Jonny:** Why is it that every time you log on, it’s to bully me?

 **Daisy:** it’s fun

 **Daisy:** you’re the only one here it works on anyways

 **Daisy:** i could never say anything mean to georgie, gerry ran out of fucks to give when he died, oliver _wishes_ he was dead, and i honestly don’t think nikola has the ability to feel sad or hurt

 **Daisy:** process of elimination

 **Georgie:** wlw solidarity <333

 **Ollie:** you’re right but you shouldn’t say it

 **Gerry:** incorrect

 **Gerry:** i didn’t have any fucks to give while i was alive either

 **Daisy:** fair enough

 **Nikki:** I Have Emotions! I Can Feel Sad! This Is Clownphobia >:o(

 **Georgie:** are they yours? they don’t count if you’ve taken them from someone

 **Ollie:** “Clownphobia”

 **Nikki:** They Are Mine, Yes. I Own Them.

 **Georgie:** did you make them yourself?

 **Nikki:** I Do Not Have To Prove Myself To You

 **Georgie:** sus

 **Gerry:** wait nikola

 **Nikki:** Yes?

 **Gerry:** are you

 **Gerry:** are you still inside our coat closet?

 **Nikki:** Yes! Jon Closed The Door On Me Very Rudely, And I Refuse To Leave Until He Apologizes!

**Gerry:**

**Gerry:** nice

 **Georgie:** you better start paying rent then

 **Daisy:** you act like she lives there now

 **Georgie:** she’s asking _jon_ to apologize

 **Daisy:** you know what. fair enough.

 **Jonny:** What’s that supposed to mean?

 **Georgie:** you know exactly what we mean jonathan

 **Jonny:** She’ll tire herself out eventually, I don’t see why I have to apologize for doing nothing wrong.

 **Georgie:** i raise a theory and have it instantly proven. amazing

 **Georgie:** if only academia actually worked like this

 **Ollie:** is no one going to acknowledge the fact that Nikola is back in the closet or are we just not addressing the elephant in the room?

**Nikki:**

**Nikki:** Get Me Out Of Here I Don’t Want This Anymore Fuck You Oliver You Always Ruin My Fucking Bits

 **Ollie:** maybe don’t hide in closets next time?

 **Nikki:** Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You

 **Ollie:** understandable have a nice day

. . .

**Gerry:** so you guys know how the teletubbies had babies right?

 **Daisy:** no?? who the fuck caught gerry up on teletubbies lore???

 **Gerry:** helen but that’s irrelevant 

**Gerry:** this means the teletubbies fucked. how does teletubby sex work? most importantly, where do the telebabies grow? is it in the television? what is the average lifespan of a teletubby? if they are born, does that mean that they can die? what is the teletubby fuck to death ratio? are they the last of their telespecies and are trying to repopulate the teleplanet? **_why is the sun a baby and how can i destroy it_ **

**Ollie:** okay manuela dominguez kinnie

 **Georgie:** gerry? 

**Gerry:** yes?

**_Georgie has muted Gerry for 1 hour_ **

**_Reason: i don’t want to hear about goddamn teletubby sex at three in the fucking morning when i have an exam tomorrow_ **

**Ollie:** gerry I will personally pay you however much you want if it means I never have to read those words again

 **Georgie:** wait i get gerry being up since he’s a ghost and me because i’m studying but what the fuck are you doing awake oliver???

 **Ollie:** does it look like I sleep

 **Georgie:** okay yeah that’s fair

 **Ollie:** good luck on your exam, by the way. If you need me I’ll be staring at my ceiling and trying not to think about anything Gerry has said in the past 5 minutes

 **Georgie:** ditto

. . .

**Jonny:** Is Sans Undertale an Avatar, and if so, of what? Discuss.

 **Ollie:** oh most definitely

 **Nikki:** Without Question!

 **Georgie:** i’d believe it

 **Gerry:** probably

 **Daisy:** yes

 **Jonny:** Glad to see we all agree on part one. Part two: discuss.

 **Ollie:** he HAS to be the end. He’s a skeleton for god's sake! also he’s responsible for so many game over deaths in the genocide battle, there’s no way he’s anything else

 **Nikki:** What About The Spiral? He Is Always Lying And Pretending Despite Knowing Far More Than The Player! Not To Mention His Ability To Teleport At Random! That’s Textbook Spiral Right There!

 **Gerry:** she’s got a point

 **Daisy:** i’m gonna have to say the slaughter. somewhat for the same reasons oliver brought up with the genocide run, especially because he was 100% ready to kill the player on sight if it wasn’t for toriel. also, we all know the slaughter’s weird fetish for music. megalovania is RIGHT there

 **Jonny:** Please don’t call Entities’ domains their fetish.

 **Daisy:** you can’t control me sims

 **Georgie:** what about the flesh? i mean, it deals with bones too, doesn’t it? a skeleton that can use bones for combative measures seems right it up its alley 

**Jonny:** Urgh, please don’t remind me of Jared and his bones.

 **Nikki:** Oh I Will Remind You Now That You Have Brought Him Up! How Comes He Can Have Your Bones And I Can’t, Jon? If I Cannot Have Your Skin, The Least You Could Do Is Let Me Have Your Bones!

 **Nikki:** What Did He Take Again? A Rib? It Sounds Like You Now Have An Uneven Number Of Them! I Could Fix That

 **Jonny:** I’m good, Nikola. I’d like to keep as many of my bones as I can. Besides, he gave the rib back.

 **Ollie:** wait wait is THAT what’s on your bookshelf????

 **Ollie:** gerry said it was an animal bone!!

 **Gerry:** humans are animals 

**Ollie:** I hate it here I hate it here I’m going to BEG the End to finally let me die so I can escape you fuckers

 **Nikki:** You Love Us :o)

 **Jonny:** Oliver, you’re derailing a very important conversation. We still haven’t concluded which Entity Sans Undertale serves.

 **Ollie:** sorry I got caught up in the fact that you keep your own fucking RIB on your bookshelf like a trophy

 **Jonny:** You should be.

 **Jonny:** Anyways, you are all wrong. He is clearly an Avatar of the Eye.

 **Jonny:** Uncanny ability to Know things he couldn’t possibly know, the ability to make genocide route’s player reveal their true intentions whether they want to or not, and not to mention the glowing eye during his battle. I can’t believe none of you guessed it correctly.

 **Georgie:** u say that like it’s confirmed that he’s an eye avatar

 **Jonny:** Yes, and?

**Georgie:**

**Daisy:** oh my fucking god

 **Daisy:** jon. jon is sans undertale a canon avatar. i need to know. you can’t just say this shit and not explain yourself. 

**Jonny:**

**Jonny:** ;)

**_Jonny is now offline_ **

**Daisy:** JON

 **Gerry:** the eye fucking killed him

 **Nikki:** He Knew Too Much :,o(

. . .

**Georgie:** so oliver

 **Ollie:** oh god

 **Georgie:** you can see when people are going to die right?

 **Ollie:** somewhat, yes. Where is this going?

 **Georgie:** okay okay stick with me

 **Georgie:** do you know what a death pool is?

 **Ollie:** i see where this is going now and my answer is no

 **Georgie:** why not?? we could be rich!

 **Ollie:** no!! I am not using my eldritch powers for money!! Do it yourself

 **Georgie:** i CANT! the end gave me fear-be-gone not spooky death dreams!

 **Nikki:** Am I Missing Something? I Feel Like I Am Missing Something! What Is It That Oliver Is Doing? How Can We Become Rich? What Is A Death Pool? It Sounds Fun :oD

 **Daisy:** it’s a betting pool of when people are going to die, i think

 **Daisy:** kind of like betting on which sports team will win the championships, except with people’s lives

 **Nikki:** Oh Fun! 

**Georgie:** i was THINKING

 **Ollie:** no. i refuse.

 **Georgie:** with oliver’s spooky death sense, we could make millions! there’s gotta be a huge sum for whoever guesses the queen’s actual death date

 **Jonny:** That’s treason, I think.

 **Georgie:** you have friends who kill people, jon, and this is where you draw the line? the queen???

 **Jonny:** Fair enough.

 **Georgie:** all i’m saying is we could probably be billionaires by the end of the year if oliver stopped being such a coward

 **Ollie:** i am not being a coward! Why does it have to be me, anyways? Can’t jon just Know instead??

**Georgie:**

**Gerry:** you didn’t think of that, did you

 **Georgie:** shut up shut up shut up

 **Georgie:** JON 

**Jonny:** Oh no.

 **Ollie:** oh how the turntables 

**Nikki:** Why Must We Rely On Their Knowledge? Why Can’t We Simply Kill Them Ourselves On The Dates We Bet? You’re Complicating It Too Much!

 **Gerry:** assassinations of celebrities are typically frowned upon

 **Nikki:** And? I Do Not Care About The Public! Or The Law! Who Is Going To Stop Me From Skinning Jeff Bezos? Huh? Who Is Going To Stop Me From Making A Suit Out Of His Skin? No Amount Of Money Can Buy Him A Security System That Helen’s Doors Can’t Get Through. One Push Is All I’d Need! One Push!

 **Georgie:** comrade nikola rise up

 **Daisy:** this is implying jeff bezos isn’t an avatar himself

 **Gerry:** what would he even be? web?

 **Jonny:** I think the Corruption could also fit. Corruption of power, and all that.

 **Nikki:** I Am Not Opposed To Ridding The World Of Another Spider! Or Bug! At Least Annabelle And Jane Don’t Go Around Exploiting Workers And Hoarding Money! Fuck!

 **Georgie:** nikola has become communist

 **Nikki:** This Is Not A Joke! I Am Going To The Angler Fish Right Now To See If We Can Replace Him With A NotThem! I Am Doing This Now! 

**Ollie:** oh my god

 **Georgie:** how are you getting it to america?

 **Nikki:** Helen, Of Course! She Has Already Agreed With The Plan. 

**Gerry:** simp

 **Nikki:** You’re Just Jealous That I Have A Girlfriend While Your Sorry Ass Remains Single

 **Gerry:** i could get a partner if i wanted to

 **Jonny:** Gerry, you’re a ghost. You’re dead.

 **Gerry:** so is oliver, yet graham’s still down to smash

 **Ollie:** one, never say the words ‘down to smash’ again

 **Ollie:** two, Graham doesn’t know. I want him to live in the blissful ignorance I wish I had

 **Daisy:** fucking emo

 **Ollie:** excuse you, i am GOTH

 **Daisy:** and a bitch apparently

 **Nikki:** He’s A Twink, He’s Allowed To Bitch!

 **Ollie:** why am I friends with you people

 **Jonny:** Because multiple eldritch fear entities claimed our souls and now we have no choice but to coexist with each other. 

**Georgie:** because u love us

 **Gerry:** bc we’re holding u at gunpoint

 **Nikki:** All Valid Answers!

 **Ollie:** pull the trigger piglet

 **Nikki:** :o(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am constantly haunted by the teletubby sun. please send help


	2. "i was born into a destiny decided to me by those in power but i will fight tooth and nail to escape it and be gay, do crimes" gang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonny: Is it normal for you to go into a job interview and the CEO of the fucking company comes down to meet you?  
> Georgie: idk man i’m self employed  
> Gerry: i’m dead  
> Nikki: I Do Not Need A Job!  
> Ellie: ɨ ǟʍ ȶɦɛ ƈɛօ օʄ ȶɦɛ ƈօʍքǟռʏ  
> Daisy: you guys are getting interviews? in this economy?  
> Ollie: why are you guys like this  
> Georgie: trauma :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jon, gerry, and agnes friendship is Top Tier and no one can convince me otherwise!!!
> 
> (CW: slight mention of spiders & scorpions)

**Chosen Gang**

**Squirtle:** hey agnes? deathnote wants to know why you burned down graham’s table

**Bulbasaur:** Deathnote?

**Squirtle:** graham and oliver

**Bulbasaur:** Ah. Continue.

**Charmander:** why do they think it was me?

**Squirtle:** jude was busy burning down some rich guys home and you’re the only other desolation avatar we know

**Squirtle:** also, nikola admitted to helping you break in

**Charmander:** snitch

**Squirtle:** oliver peer pressured her into it

**Bulbasaur:** Wait, you burned their table? Was it the one that most definitely hypnotizes you whenever you look at it?

**Squirtle:** u think they’d care about any other table?

**Bulbasaur:** Fair.

**Bulbasaur:** Why the sudden arson, though?

**Charmander:** it had a NoTthem in it and I owed Oliver a favour

**Charmander:** by the way, Gerry, can you tell him we’re even now? considering I saved his boyfriend and all

**Squirtle:** will do

**Bulbasaur:** It had a What in it.

**Bulbasaur:** How did I not know this??

**Charmander:** just because the eye  _ can _ tell you everything doesn’t mean it  _ does _

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, instead it prefers to beam into me Nikola’s horrible food habits. I have Seen her eat ice cream with mayonnaise far too many times this week. 

**Bulbasaur:** She doesn’t even  _ need _ to eat, she just does it to spite me because she knows I’m Watching.

**Charmander:** look, I grew up in a cult and even  _ I _ can say that’s fucked up

**Squirtle:** deathnote update: oliver says thank you and that you’re now even 

**Squirtle:** though he would rather have been told about a stranger servant having been lurking in his house for the past two months

**Charmander:** sux

**Bulbasaur:** Did he explain to Graham or does he think we’re insane now?

**Squirtle:** trust me, graham already thinks we’re insane 

**Squirtle:** this would only add fuel to the flames

**Squirtle:** no pun intended

**Squirtle:** but idk i think graham’s just done with our bullshit 

**Bulbasaur:** Can't say I blame him.

**Bulbasaur:** Still, that was really nice of you, Agnes. I’m sure the Stranger isn’t too pleased.

**Charmander:** probably not, but I also don’t care about what it thinks, so

**Charmander:** I got even with Oliver and also boosted support from the eye, which is significant considering you two are my friends

**Squirtle:** aww, are we your  _ best  _ friends?

**Charmander:** don’t push it

**Bulbasaur:** Wait, what do you mean boosted support from the Eye? What else did you do to it?

**Charmander:** saved Graham, duh

**Charmander:** I’m sure it didn’t want to lose an avatar to someone like the stranger

**Squirtle:** g

**Squirtle:** graham’s an avatar????

**Charmander:** are we sure I’m not the eye-aligned one? It’s been pretty obvious.

**Bulbasaur:** I . . . I didn't know that, either. Are you sure?

**Charmander:** you think he keeps all those notebooks around for nothing??

**Bulbasaur:** . . . That would make sense, actually.

**Squirtle:** didn’t he eat one once

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, Oliver watched the entire thing.

**Charmander:** u knew he ate an entire notebook,,, yet didn’t think he was an avatar

**Bulbasaur:** Gay people are weird! I’m not gonna judge how they deal with their trauma! If a man wants to eat an entire notebook, I say let him!

**Squirtle:** have **.**

**Squirtle:** have you eaten a notebook, jon?

**Bulbasaur:**

**Bulbasaur:** No comment.

**Charmander:** it’s a wonder either of you are able to function without me. 

**_Jon - > Gerry_ **

**Jonny:** Should . . . Should we tell Oliver?

**Gerry:** nah

**Gerry:** i wanna see how long it takes for him to figure out

**Jonny:** Hm. 

**Jonny:** I say at least two months.

**Gerry:** are you kidding me? they’re gonna get married before they realize

**Gerry:** you’re on

. . .

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Nikki:** I Just Realized! We Are Missing A Very Important Part Of The Clown Crew! This Is A Crime!

**Nikki:** Homophobes, All Of You!

**Gerry:** this is about your girlfriend isn’t it

**_Nikki has added Helen R. to Clown Crew 😎_ **

**Gerry:** called it

**Jonny:** No.

**_Jonny has changed Helen R.’s name to Ellie_ **

**Daisy:** ???

**Jonny:** Helen -> Hellie -> Ellie

**Ellie:** ǟաաաաա, ɨ ɢɛȶ ǟ ƈʊȶɛ ռɨƈӄռǟʍɛ!!! ɖօɛֆ ȶɦǟȶ ʍɛǟռ ɨ'ʍ օʄʄɨƈɨǟʟʟʏ քǟʀȶ օʄ ȶɦɛ ƈʀɛա?

**Georgie:** top ten soft jon moments

**Jonny:** I’m not soft. I simply didn’t like the fact that her nickname didn’t match the naming convention.

**Georgie:** admit it, u love us

**Jonny:** No.

**Ollie:** oh, hey Helen. How’s it been?

**Ellie:** քʀɛȶȶʏ ɢօօɖ!! ʍɛ ǟռɖ ʍɨƈɦǟɛʟ ֆքɛռȶ ʍօֆȶ օʄ ʏɛֆȶɛʀɖǟʏ ʄʊƈӄɨռɢ ǟʀօʊռɖ աɨȶɦ ȶɦɨֆ ɢʊʏ ɨռ օʊʀ ɦǟʟʟաǟʏֆ. աɛ'ʀɛ ȶɦɨռӄɨռɢ օʄ ɖʊʍքɨռɢ ɦɨʍ ɨռ ȶɦɛ ȶɦǟʍɛֆ ʟǟȶɛʀ ȶօɖǟʏ :)

**Ollie:** nice

**Daisy:** i love how this is the only chat where you can say shit like that and no one bats an eye. amazing.

**Nikki:** Can I Have His Body? I Have Not Skinned Someone In Far Too Long :o(

**Gerry:** oh, did you not get Jeff Bezos then?

**Nikki:** We Are Commencing The Operation Tomorrow! Do Not Worry, I Would Not Give Up Such An Important Plan So Easily!

**Ollie:** so like, if you actually do end up taking him, will the Stranger technically be the richest entity?

**Gerry:** nik said fuck the fairchilds

**Jonny:** I thought the Lukases were richer?

**Gerry:** fuck if i know man

**Ollie:** whatever. Would you?

**Nikki:** I Think So, Yes! The Stranger Doesn’t Care Much About Money, Though, So I Think We’ll Be Having Him Develop A Sudden Generosity For Charities :o)

**Daisy:** for someone whose job is to basically skin people for a living you’re awfully nice

**Nikki:** Thank You :o3 Why Did You Ask, Oliver?

**Ollie:** well. He has so much money that it PROBABLY wouldn’t make much of a dent for us to take some, would it?

**Georgie:** oh!! so you don’t like my death pool idea, but you’re allll down for nik’s skinning plans!! i see how it is

**Ollie:** I can’t stop her, Georgie. I wouldn’t even if I could. she scares me

**Ellie:** ǟʀɛ ʏօʊ ǟʄʀǟɨɖ օʄ ƈʟօառֆ օʟɨʋɛʀ?

**Ollie:** no, just Nikola in particular

**Gerry:** that’s fair

**Gerry:** and probably smart

**Georgie:** cowards

**Jonny:** Not everyone can’t feel fear like you, Georgie. Fears are natural.

**Georgie:** 🕷 

**Gerry:** ajsjksjd i just watched jon nearly yeet his phone across the room 

**Ellie:** ɦǟ ɛʏɛ ɮօʏ ɢօ ɮʀʀʀ

**Jonny:** I hate all of you.

**Daisy:** yeah yeah we love you too

. . .

**Jonny:** Is it normal for you to go into a job interview and the CEO of the fucking company comes down to meet you?

**Georgie:** idk man i’m self employed

**Gerry:** i’m dead

**Nikki:** I Do Not Need A Job!

**Ellie:** ɨ ǟʍ ȶɦɛ ƈɛօ օʄ ȶɦɛ ƈօʍքǟռʏ

**Daisy:** you guys are getting interviews? in  _ this  _ economy?

**Ollie:** why are you guys like this

**Georgie:** trauma :)

**Ollie:** no, Jon, I can’t say that’s the norm. Did that happen?

**Jonny:** Yeah, just now. It was weird, but I’m probably going to take the job anyways.

**Daisy:** this is what i mean when i call you a teachers pet

**Jonny:** Look, you’d understand if you were there. The guy walks into the room and like, I can Instantly Tell this man is evil. More than the usual capitalism evil. He kicks puppies for fun. He purposefully leaves ice cubes on the ground so people step on them and get their socks wet. He is somehow both gay  _ and  _ homophobic.

**Jonny:** I Know he is Eye-aligned. He doesn't know I know. The interview goes fine. He’s a creep, but it’s fine. The Eye really wants me to take this deal. A part of me wants to refuse, because anything the Eye  _ desperately  _ wants me to do is probably Not Good, but then I make eye contact with this motherfucker.

**Jonny:** He is grinning like a child on Christmas morning. But not, because that would imply any ounce of humanity. It’s more like a bully smiling when the teacher does nothing to stop him. He thinks he’s won. I have never gotten a stronger urge to punch someone in the face.

**Jonny:** Then it hits me. He worships the Eye. It clearly wants me here. If he tries to fire me, I can pull the patron card.  _ I can make this man’s life a living hell and there is absolutely nothing he can do to stop me. _

**Ollie:** . . . holy shit

**Ollie:** do me a favour and remind me to never get on your bad side

**Daisy:** i am seething with rage for a man whose face i have never seen how do i join this crusade

**Jonny:** Apply to the Magnus Institute, apparently.

**Gerry:** wait,  _ that’s  _ where you’re going to work now??

**Jonny:** Hopefully, if everything goes through correctly. My old job was getting repetitive.

**Georgie:** and this has nothing to do with nikki bullying you for your paychecks, right?

**Jonny:** Absolutely not.

**Gerry:** . . . i’ll brb

. . .

**_hell_ **

**My Chemical Romance:** hey elias, did you recently interview someone named jonathan sims? doesn’t look like he’s slept in 30 years, already-graying hair, has probably never smiled in his life?

**Catboy:** Yes, why? Is he a friend of yours?

**My Chemical Romance:** nope

**My Chemical Romance:** never seen him a day in my life. who are we talking about again?

**Archi-bitch:** lol

**Catboy:** Also, who keeps changing my name??

**Archi-bitch:** You can’t stop me, Jonah

. . . 

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Ellie:** ֆօ ʏɛǟɦ, ȶɦǟȶ’ֆ աɦʏ աɛ’ʀɛ ռօ ʟօռɢɛʀ ǟʟʟօաɛɖ աɨȶɦɨռ 30 ʍɛȶɛʀֆ օʄ ǟռʏ քǟʀȶɨƈʊʟǟʀ ȶɛֆƈօ :)

**Ollie:** how the fuck does that even happen in the first place

**Daisy:** honestly not surprised

**Georgie:** wait nik, didn’t you go to tesco with jon last week??

**Nikki:** I Don’t Care About Laws!! Besides, What Are They Going To Do? Arrest Me? I Don’t Have Fingerprints! I Stole These! I Am Above The Law

**Gerry:** im back

**Nikki:** Welcome! Scroll Up To Learn How Me, Helen, And Michael Got Perma-Banned From All Official Tesco Locations :o)

**Gerry:** i was gone for like one minute tops, what the fuck?

**Georgie:** we work quickly here in the clown crew

**Ollie:** the devil works hard but the clown crew works harder

**Georgie:** you’re the only one that truly gets me oliver

**Ollie:** that’s probably not a good thing

**Georgie:** yeah, probably not

. . .

**Georgie:** _ @everyone  _ what would ur fursona be and why? this is a mandatory question.

**Ollie:** georgie why

**Georgie:** answer me first coward

**Daisy:** wolf. hunt reasons.

**Gerry:** idk man, a black cat? maybe a panther? any dark colored animal would probably work

**Gerry:** i need them to match my aesthetic 

**Ellie:** ǟռ ǟӼօʟօȶʟ :) ȶɦɛʏ ʀ ʄʊռӄʏ!

**Gerry:** were those made by the stranger or the spiral?

**Ellie:** ɮօȶɦ! ȶɦɛʏ աɛʀɛ ǟ ƈօʟʟǟɮօʀǟȶɨօռ

**Gerry:** huh

**Nikki:** I Don’t Know! I Don’t Know Any Animal That Could Possibly Match My Energies! Maybe The Superb Bird Of Paradise? They Were God’s Mistake!

**Ellie:** ʍɨƈɦǟɛʟ աօʊʟɖ ʟɨӄɛ ȶօ ǟɖɖ ȶɦǟȶ ȶɦɛɨʀֆ աօʊʟɖ ɮɛ ǟ ʝǟքǟռɛֆɛ ֆքɨɖɛʀ ƈʀǟɮ. օʀ ȶɦɛ ȶǟɨʟʟɛֆֆ աɦɨք ֆƈօʀքɨօռ!

**Daisy:** hm. googling those was a mistake.

**Georgie:** oliver? 

**Ollie:** do I have to.

**Georgie:** do it or i’ll tell graham you’re the one that ate all his animal crackers :)

**Ollie:** okay okay no need to go there

**Ollie:** probably a raven. They’re insanely smart animals, you know

**Daisy:** fucking goth

**Georgie:** jonnnnn 👀👀

**Jonny:** No. Absolutely not. No amount of blackmail will get me to participate in this.

**Georgie:** that’s what you think

**Gerry:** he’s just saying that because he doesn’t know what his would be

**Nikki:** I Thought You Were Bi?? Every LGBT Person Has Thought About What Their Fursona Would Be At Least Once! You Are A Disgrace, Jonathan! How Dare You!

**Nikki:** Since You Have Failed Us, I Will Assign You One Instead! Congratulations, Your Fursona Is Now A Moth :o)

**Jonny:** Thanks, I hate it.

**Ollie:** it’s oddly fitting

**Jonny:** You’re not helping, Oliver.

**Ollie:** trust me, I know

**Georgie:** anyways since none of you fuckers asked mine would be a japanese dwarf flying squirrel bc i love them

**Georgie:** i also plan to amass an army of them and take over the world

**Nikki:** Good! As You Should

**Gerry:** georgie becomes an entity herself

**Ellie:** ɨȶ'ֆ աɦǟȶ ֆɦɛ ɖɛֆɛʀʋɛֆ <33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fandom just collectively forgets that like. graham ate a fucking notebook. the stranger didn't even make him do it. he just Did That because he wanted to. like wtf jonny.


	3. jon please get therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Georgie: what happened??  
> Jonny: All of my coworkers are attractive. All of them. Which wouldn’t typically be an issue. I can handle myself just fine.  
> Jonny: Except that you guys know me. My social anxiety and ineptitude says I can either be a good employee or polite.  
> Daisy: you went posh asshole them didn’t you.  
> Jonny: . . . I went posh asshole on them.  
> Georgie: please. get help. i am begging you.

**Basement Exiles**

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** yooo did you guys hear?

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:**?

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** apparently we’re getting a new addition to the archives gang!! el*as said something about them coming in later today

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Hm. Don’t trust that.

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** honestly i tuned out like halfway through his speech 

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** i have no clue how people can handle being in the same room as that twink for more than two minutes

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** tim, he’s our boss!! you shouldn’t say that!

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** and??? he dresses like _that_

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** i have the right to bully him as much as i want

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** I’m not saying he has a point, but . . . 

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Also, Annabelle, I see you lurking. Any input?

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** Absolutely none :::::) 

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** that’s a yes

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** what have you done this time

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** Me? Nothing. The Mother? Everything.

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:**!noʎ ʇon !ǝɹǝɥ ǝno ɔᴉʇdʎɹɔ ǝɥʇ ǝb oʇ dǝsoddns ɯᴉ

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Michael, you’re one of my closest friends and I love you dearly, but please, I don’t want to have to turn my phone upside-down every time you send a message

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝕌𝕌𝕌𝕌яＧ𝓱 ⓕ𝐢ŇＥ :(((

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝐢爪 ş𝕌ｐｐσşＥ𝓭 tσ ᵇＥ t𝓱Ｅ 𝓬я𝕪ｐt𝐢𝓬 σŇＥ 𝓱ＥяＥ! Ňσt 𝕪σ𝕌!

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** I can’t let you have all the fun

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** you’re all the worst

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** martin? anything from you?

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** i’m sorry tim, that’s not really how my powers work . . . i’m a lot more spider-aligned than control-aligned ::::(

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** don’t sweat it dear marto! we shall have to see ourselves then

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Did El*as say who’d be touring them?

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** uhhh probably

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** worse comes to worst we can rock paper scissors it out

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Web, Spiral, End*

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** no!! we are not doing that again!! i don’t want to get into another argument over which entity would win in a fight!

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** i’m just _saying_! the end is the oldest and feeds off of basically everything! it should trump all!!

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** that’s??? not how rock paper scissors works???

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** Implying that the Web doesn’t feed off of everything, as well

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝕪σ𝕌 ＡяＥ Ａ𝔩𝔩 ᶜℓ乇ａ尺ℓү 𝕌Ň𝓭ＥяＥşt𝐢爪Ａt𝐢ŇＧ t𝓱Ｅ ｐσⓌＥя σⓕ t𝓱Ｅ şｐ𝐢яＡ𝔩. 𝓱Ｅ𝔩ＥŇ ＡŇ𝓭 𝐢 𝓬σ𝕌𝔩𝓭 乇ａรιℓү ᵇＥＡt ᵇσt𝓱 σⓕ 𝕪σ𝕌 𝐢Ň Ａ ⓕ𝐢Ｇ𝓱t

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** Only because we wouldn’t be able to tell where we’re swinging

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** ＡŇ𝓭??? 𝐢 𝓭𝐢𝓭Ňt şＡ𝕪 t𝓱Ｅ ⓕ𝐢Ｇ𝓱t ⓌＡş Ｇσ𝐢ŇＧ tσ ᵇＥ _ⓕＡ𝐢я_

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** sasha. sasha look at what you’ve done. are you proud of yourself.

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** very :3

. . .

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Jonny:** Joining the Magnus Institute was a mistake.

**Ollie:** it’s been five minutes since you started.

**Jonny:** Did I stutter?

**Georgie:** what happened??

**Jonny:** All of my coworkers are attractive. All of them. Which wouldn’t typically be an issue. I can handle myself just fine.

**Jonny:** Except that you guys know me. My social anxiety and ineptitude says I can either be a good employee _or_ polite.

**Daisy:** you went posh asshole them didn’t you.

**Jonny:**. . . I went posh asshole on them. 

**Georgie:** please. get help. i am begging you.

**Gerry:** oh, _please_ take me with you tomorrow. i _need_ to see this in action

**Nikki:** Oh, Oh, Me Too! I Don’t Think I’ve Ever Met Posh Asshole Jon! I Must See What He Is Like!

**Jonny:** No. How do you think my coworkers would react to me showing up with a ghost and clown on my tail? I prefer them thinking of me as a posh asshole, thank you very much.

**Nikki:** Rude >:o(

**Gerry:** fair

**Ollie:** I mean, they’re magnus institute employees, they’re _probably_ aware of these things, right?

**Jonny:** Were _you_ prepared to meet Nikola despite knowing of the Entities???

**Ollie:**. . . fair point

**Ellie:** օɦ! ɖɨɖ ʏօʊ ֆɛɛ ʍɨƈɦǟɛʟ?? ɦɛ ȶɛƈɦռɨƈǟʟʟʏ աօʀӄֆ ȶɦɛʀɛ, ɨ ȶɦɨռӄ!

**Ellie:** աɛʟʟ, ʍɨƈɦǟɛʟ ֆɦɛʟʟɛʏ աօʀӄɛɖ ȶɦɛʀɛ. ֆօ ȶɛƈɦռɨƈǟʟʟʏ ɦɛ ɖօɛֆ ռօȶ աօʀӄ ȶɦɛʀɛ, ǟȶ ʟɛǟֆȶ ռօȶ ǟֆ ʍʊƈɦ ǟֆ ɨ ɖօ, ɮʊȶ ȶɦɛʏ ǟʟֆօ ɖօ!

**Ellie:** ɦɛ աօʀӄֆ ʄօʀ ȶɦɛ ɨռֆȶɨȶʊȶɛ ǟֆ ʍʊƈɦ ǟֆ ɨ ֆȶɨʟʟ աօʀӄ ɨռ ʀɛǟʟ ɛֆȶǟȶɛ :)

**Jonny:** I did not, no. I doubt Elias would let Gertrude pull out all the Avatar cards to a new hire.

**Gerry:** wait, michael works there?

**Daisy:** oh _now_ gerry’s interested 

**Daisy:** i see how it is

**Ellie:** ʍɨƈɦǟɛʟ ɖօɛֆ ռօȶ! ɮʊȶ ʍɨƈɦǟɛʟ ɖօɛֆ

**Gerry:** you know what i meant 

**Jonny:**. . . You can come with me if you want tomorrow, Gerry. Nikola, please don’t start stalking my workplace. My flat is enough.

**Nikki:** :o(

**Nikki:** You Aren’t Even Fun To Stalk! All You Do Is Pet Your Cat And Bitch! A Pet Rock Would Be More Interesting To Watch! 

**Nikki:** Just For That, I Am Only Going To Break Into Oliver’s Flat For The Next Week! You Don’t Deserve My Presence!

**Ollie:** why?? me??

**Nikki:** Well I Can’t Stalk Daisy! She And I Have A Deal. And I Can’t Necessarily Stalk Helen, Either!

**Ollie:** why do we exist? just to suffer?

**Nikki:** Us? No. You? Maybe!

**Ollie:** i hate this fucking family

. . .

**Gerry:** hey helen? are you pranking me right now?

**Ellie:** ɨ ɖօռ’ȶ ȶɦɨռӄ ֆօ! աɦʏ?

**Gerry:** because i’ve just watched jon microwave a cup of tea and i needed to know if i hallucinated it or not

**Daisy:** you’ve just watched jon do _what_

**Gerry:** i wish i still had a tangible body so i could strangle him right now

**Gerry:** how do i delete my own memories

**Ellie:** ɨ ӄռօա ǟ ɢʊʏ

**Gerry:** perfect. i’ll be hitting you up shortly

**Ollie:** Jon, what the absolute fuck

**Georgie:** oh, he does this all the time. i’m honestly surprised this is the first time you’ve caught him in the act

**Daisy:** jon you better log your ass on and atone for your sins

**Jonny:** It’s?? Efficient?? I don’t have time to wait for the water to boil. This is faster.

**Ollie:** yeah, a faster way to go to hell

**Nikki:** Nice One! You Teach Him!

**Jonny:** Nikola I Know your eating habits. You can’t judge me.

**Nikki:** Incorrect! I Do What I Do To Spite God! You Are Just Fucked Up!

**Georgie:** okay this has me wondering

**Georgie:** what are your worst food sins. like the absolute _worst_ things you actually find good

**Georgie:** we already know jon’s, so i’ll go next

**Georgie:** pineapple pizza is good actually

**Daisy:** please never speak to me again

**Jonny:** Daisy, I Know for a fact you eat pickles dipped in nutella. If anyone should be quiet here, it’s you.

**Daisy:** prepare to die, twink

**Gerry:** i can’t really consume food anymore

**Gerry:** but

**Gerry:** you have never lived until you’ve had cookies dipped in ranch

**Georgie:** fuck you for even making me READ those words

**Nikki:** You Are The Reason God Left!

**Gerry:** good

**Georgie:** cmon oliver, it’s your turn! confess your sins!

**Ollie:**.

**Ollie:** Graham recently got me hooked on monster milk.

**Daisy:** kill him

**Gerry:** monster milk??? monster in ITSELF is a sin, but monster milk??? you’re not just going straight to hell, you’re going to fucking rule it.

**Ollie:** and this is why I didn’t want to share

**Georgie:** oliver get better taste challenge ❤️

**Ellie:** ɨֆ ɨȶ ɮǟɖ ȶɦǟȶ ȶɦɛ ʄɨʀֆȶ ȶɨʍɛ ɨ ʀɛǟɖ ȶɦǟȶ, ɨ ɖɨɖռ’ȶ ʀɛǟʟɨʐɛ ɦɛ աǟֆ ȶǟʟӄɨռɢ ǟɮօʊȶ ȶɦɛ ɛռɛʀɢʏ ɖʀɨռӄ?

**Jonny:** What did you

**Jonny:** Oh.

**Daisy:** nope nope nope nope nope did NOT want to picture that

**Georgie:** helen please,,,,, you don’t need to share all your thoughts with us,,,,, 

**Georgie:** some things are better left unsaid,,,,

**Ellie:** ȶɦɨֆ ɨֆ ռօȶ օռɛ օʄ ȶɦɛʍ :)

**Ollie:** I beg to differ.

**Ellie:** **_ȶɦɛռ ɮɛɢ._ **

**. . .**

**Basement Exiles**

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Why do I smell smoke

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Martin what are you doing

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** why me?? not EVERY fire is my doing, sasha!! i have other things going on in my life!! i’ll have u know i’m having a very pleasant chat with the spider underneath statement 0150409 right now!

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Excuse me for having assumed the person who’s set statements on fire three times now to piss off El*as would be in charge of ANOTHER fire

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Wait. If it’s not you . . . 

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** _Tim you better not be in the break room right now_

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** um

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** look

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** TIM I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** I WAS HUNGRY SASH

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** I JUST WANTED SOME CEREAL

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** HOW THE FUCK DO YOU BURN CEREAL

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** I DIDN'T MEAN TO

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** t𝐢爪𝔩Ｅ𝐗ＡŇ𝓭Ｅя Ⓦ𝓱Ａt t𝓱Ｅ ⓕ𝕌𝓬𝕂

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** OH LIKE YOU HAVE ANY ROOM TO TALK

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝐢 𝓭σ 𝐢t ᵇＥ𝓬Ａ𝕌şＥ 𝐢 ⓌＡŇt tσ! 𝕪σ𝕌 𝓱ＡѶＥ 𝐢şş𝕌Ｅş!

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** MARTIN PLEASE HELP

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** I CAN HEAR SASHA COMING FOR ME

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** good <33

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** DDDDD:

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** :::::3

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Tim if you turn yourself in now I promise to not fucking kill you for your culinary sins

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** don’t lie to me i know you won’t hesitate to throw me to michael

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** ş𝓱Ｅ ⓌσŇ't!

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝐢'爪 σŇ Ňσ σŇＥ'ş ş𝐢𝓭Ｅ

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Martin. I know you have a network to every hiding spot in this place. Help me find our boyfriend.

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** nuh uh. when he burns down the kitchen he’s _your_ boyfriend, not ours

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** heart❤️ been broke💔🤕 so many times⏰ i don’t know❌🤷♀️ what to believe 🍃🙏 

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** this is why.

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** yeah👍 mama🤰say it’s my👧😣fault🥺😢 my fault😭😞 i wear my heart💝 on my sleeve👕

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** He’s in the storage closet to your right ::::)

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** ANNABELLE WHY

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** I like seeing you suffer

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Ḟ̧̖͚̈̈ͮŎ҉͔̲̘̣̥̰Ṷ̶̼̦͍̥͛ͣN̵͇̯̫̦̂ͨ̅ͬD̫̱͙̳̝͑̓́ ̵̞̗̼͈̣̫̰̼̏H̨̠͇̘̥͛̉Ǐ̢̫̤͎̼̜͊͗ͥM̴̩̥̘̣̜ͦ̚ͅ

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** fuck fuck fuck fuck

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** tell jon i love him

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** you’ve??? known him for less than a day???

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** i meant what i said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the archives gang arrives!! i am a strong believer that tim does Not know how to make anything but ramen and has things commonly erupt into flames like spencer from icarly


	4. jon makes a fucky wucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasha James has made a new chat  
> Sasha James has added Jonathan Sims, Martin K. Blackwood, and Timothy Stoker
> 
> Sasha James: I thought making a group chat so we could more easily communicate with each other would be a good idea :)  
> Timothy Stoker: urgh your mind  
> Jonathan Sims: We should use this for purely work-related issues, though. I would rather not have my phone constantly spammed at work.  
> Martin K. Blackwood: yeah, of course! we won’t bother you  
> Timothy Stoker: laaaame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for (only slightly canon-typical) spiders

**_Sasha James has made a new chat_ **

**_Sasha James has added Jonathan Sims, Martin K. Blackwood, and Timothy Stoker_ **

**Sasha James:** I thought making a group chat so we could more easily communicate with each other would be a good idea :)

**Timothy Stoker:** urgh your mind

**Jonathan Sims:** We should use this for purely work-related issues, though. I would rather not have my phone constantly spammed at work.

**Martin K. Blackwood:** yeah, of course! we won’t bother you

**Timothy Stoker:** laaaame

**_Timothy Stoker has changed the chat name to cool kidz zone_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Tim.

**Timothy Stoker:** it’d bother me otherwise!! i’ll leave it alone now don’t worry 

**Jonathan Sims:** Thank you.

. . .

**cool kidz zone**

**Jonathan Sims:** I just realized. Every SINGLE one of you fuckers have tried to kill me before. Can’t a guy catch a damn BREAK?

**Jonathan Sims:** There was that time Oliver nearly smothered me in my sleep, Georgie’s pushed me off a bridge  _ twice,  _ Gerry somehow managed to hit me with a metal pipe out of pure  _ spite _ , Daisy fucking  _ shot  _ me, and don’t even get me started on you and Helen, Nikola! I’ve fucking lost count at this point!!

**Martin K. Blackwood:** um, jon?

**Jonathan Sims:**

**Jonathan Sims:** . . . Wrong chat. Please ignore that.

. . .

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Jonny:** _ [Image attached] _

**Jonny:** I fucked up.

**Ollie:** akdfjda

**Georgie:** I’M

**Daisy:** the fucking tone change from ‘let’s be professional’ to ‘complete and utter shitpost’ not even a week later,,,,, top tier

**Daisy:** also i TOLD you to stop bringing that up, it was supposed to shoot blanks!!!

**Jonny:** This is serious. I can never show my face at work again. I’m done for.

**Nikki:** Fear Gods, Jon, You Are A Fucking Disaster! Just Act Like A Normal Person! I Would Call You A Clown But You Are A Disgrace To The Clown Name

**Gerry:** i almost forgot about the pipe incident

**Gerry:** good times

**Jonny:** _ That is not the issue here Gerry. _

**Gerry:** i beg to differ, that was hilarious

**Ollie:** I mean you can just do what I do

**Jonny:** Which is?

**Ollie:** Don’t explain shit as long as they don’t ask and divert the issue if they do

**Daisy:** ^^

**Daisy:** you don’t know how easily you can get away with being covered in blood 

**Ellie:** քɛօքʟɛ ǟʀɛ ʋɛʀʏ ɛǟֆɨʟʏ ɖʀǟառ ǟաǟʏ ʄʀօʍ ȶɦɛ ȶʀʊȶɦ ǟֆ ʟօռɢ ǟֆ ʏօʊ ƈօռʄʊֆɛ ȶɦɛʍ ɛռօʊɢɦ :)

**Georgie:** or just tell them the truth. they’re magnus employees, a few avatars fucking around shouldn’t be that out of the norm

**Jonny:** That’s the  _ issue _ , Georgie, I don’t think they know about the Fears. I’ve worked there for nearly a month and they haven’t mentioned anything  _ once _ . I am not going to have to be the one to unleash this hell upon them.

**Gerry:** michael works there though?

**Nikki:** Simp

**Gerry:** that has  _ nothing  _ to do with this!!

**Nikki:** So You Don’t Deny It?

**Gerry:** _ where did i put that pipe _

**Jonny:** I honestly haven’t seen Michael since I joined. Nor would I want to, considering last time we spoke he ended up stabbing me.

**Ellie:** ɨȶ աǟֆ ǟ ʄʀɨɛռɖʟʏ ֆȶǟɮ! ʏօʊ ɖɨɖռ'ȶ ɛʋɛռ ɦǟʋɛ ȶօ ɢօ ȶօ ȶɦɛ ɦօֆքɨȶǟʟ

**Ellie:** ɖօռ'ȶ ɮɛ ֆʊƈɦ ǟ աɦɨռʏ ɮɨȶƈɦ ʝօռǟȶɦǟռ :/

**Jonny:** Whatever. I am  _ not  _ telling them about the Entities unless I have to.

**Nikki:** I Still Think At Least One Of Them Could Be An Avatar! It Won’t Hurt To Ask

**Jonny:** You can’t make me.

**Nikki:** I Am On My Way To Your Place RIGHT NOW

**Jonny:** fuck fuck fuck

**Ollie:** nikola were you in my fucking  _ washing machine _

**Nikki:** Yes! It Is Comfortable :o)

**Nikki:** Tell Graham Cracker I Said Hi!

**Ollie:** .

**Ollie:** I won’t

**Nikki:** :,o(

**Georgie:** watching jon hurry to board up the doors and windows is the funniest goddamn thing i’ve seen in years alksdjf

**Nikki:** Aw, He Thinks That Can Stop Me! That’s Cute

**Gerry:** please,,,, haven’t our walls been through enough

**Nikki:** Not As Long As I’m Alive, No

**Georgie:** alright i’m forcing him to tell them i do  _ not  _ want to explain to our landlord why our wall has a clown-shaped hole in it again

**Daisy:** i’m coming to help

**Georgie:** omg queen

**Ellie:** աǟɨȶ, ʏօʊ ǟʀɛ աօʀӄɨռɢ աɨȶɦ ֆǟֆɦǟ, ʀɨɢɦȶ?

**Jonny:** . . . Yes, why?

**Ellie:** σԋ, ʂԋҽ'ʂ ɯιƚԋ ƚԋҽ ʂριɾαʅ!!! ι ԃσɳ'ƚ ƙɳσɯ ԋҽɾ αʂ ɯҽʅʅ, Ⴆυƚ ʂԋҽ αɳԃ ɱιƈԋαҽʅ αɾҽ ɾҽαʅʅყ ƈʅσʂҽ :)

**Ellie:** աɛ ǟֆӄɛɖ ɨʄ ֆɦɛ աǟռȶɛɖ ȶօ ʝօɨռ ʊֆ ɨռ օʊʀ ȶաɨֆȶɨռɢ ɮʊȶ ֆɦɛ ֆǟɨɖ ռօ :( ֆօ ֆɦɛ'ֆ ʝʊֆȶ ǟ ռօʀʍǟʟ ǟʋǟȶǟʀ ǟռɖ ռօȶ ǟ քǟʀȶ օʄ ȶɦɛ ƈօoʟ ɖɨֆȶօʀȶɨօռ ɢǟռɢ ʟɨӄɛ ʊֆ

**Jonny:** .

**Jonny:** She’s WHAT

**Ellie:** ɖɨɖ ȶɦɛ ƈʊʀʟʏ ɦǟɨʀ, ƈօռֆȶǟռȶʟʏ-ƈɦǟռɢɨռɢ ɛʏɛ ƈօʟօʀ, ǟռɖ ʟօʊɖ ǟֆֆ ʄǟֆɦɨօռ ֆɛռֆɛ ռօȶ ƈʟʊɛ ʏօʊ ɨռ???

**Jonny:** I just thought she was gay! I don’t instantly assume every alt person is a servant of some horrible fear being!

**Ollie:** at this point you probably should tbh

**Jonny:** I’m starting to get that, yes.

**Gerry:** agnes was right how the fuck are you an eye avatar

**Jonny:** Shut up shut up shut up 

**Jonny:** WAIT, YOU'RE ONE TOO

**Gerry:** and?? i can only tell when people are marked 

**Gerry:** and SOMEONE won’t let me come with him to work

**Daisy:** take ur ghost to work day

**Gerry:** see? daisy gets me

**Jonny:** What would you even do there? You’re dead. You can’t touch anything half the time. What is there to do?

**Gerry:** annoy you, for one

**Gerry:** scare your coworkers for another

**Ellie:** ʄʟɨʀȶ աɨȶɦ ʍɨƈɦǟɛʟ ʄօʀ ǟ ȶɦɨʀɖ 👀👀👀

**Gerry:** shut.

**Ellie:** ʏօʊ ƈǟռ'ȶ ɦɨɖɛ ʄʀօʍ ȶɦɛ ȶʀʊȶɦ ʄօʀɛʋɛʀ ɢɛʀǟʀɖ

**Gerry:** i can fucking try

**Georgie:** gerry and jon stop being fucking dumbasses and just Talk To People

**Gerry:** no

**Jonny:** No ❤️.

**Georgie:** show you memes was a mistake.

. . .

**Basement Exiles**

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** uhhh

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** _ [Image attached] _

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** so are we gonna talk about this, orrrrr?

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** it be like that sometimes

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** no??? it don’t???

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝓱Ｅ şＥＥ爪ş tσ ᵇＥ 𝓱ＡѶ𝐢ŇＧ ⓕ𝕌Ň!

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** Ⓦ𝓱Ａt'ş ⓕя𝐢ＥŇ𝓭ş𝓱𝐢ｐ Ⓦ𝐢t𝓱σ𝕌t Ａ 𝔩𝐢tt𝔩Ｅ ⓕя𝐢ＥŇ𝓭𝔩𝕪 爪𝕌я𝓭Ｅя ＡttＥ爪ｐtş 𝓱ＥяＥ ＡŇ𝓭 t𝓱ＥяＥ?

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Honestly I still can’t get over him saying the fuck word

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** I didn’t know he had it in him

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** please. i’m begging you. get better priorities. 

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** I don’t see what’s wrong

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** wait

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** why is the name helen so familiar?

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** I mean, the other part of the Distortion is called Helen, though that could just be a coincidence

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** Ňσ, ş𝓱Ｅ 𝓱Ａş şｐσ𝕂ＥŇ tσ 爪Ｅ Ａᵇσ𝕌t נσŇＡt𝓱ＡŇ ş𝐢爪ş ᵇＥⓕσяＥ! 𝓱Ｅ 𝐢ş tＡ𝔩𝕂𝐢ŇＧ Ａᵇσ𝕌t 𝕌ş :)

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Huh

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** you’re telling me he’s known about the entities this entire time and i’ve been censoring myself for nothing???? bitch

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** no. you aren’t allowed to call the entities sugar daddies no matter who knows or not.

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** this is censorship

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** Good.

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Well, it’s probably best not to jump to conclusions. I didn’t know about the Entities for quite a while after meeting Michael

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Which is because he’s a bitch, but Helen probably wouldn’t give out something like that easily, either

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝐢 яＥＧяＥt 𝐢Ňtяσ𝓭𝕌𝓬𝐢ŇＧ 𝕪σ𝕌 𝐢Ňtσ σ𝕌я TⓌ𝐢şt𝐢ŇＧ

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Hm, sounds like a you problem.

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** u get him babe!!!

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** so are we not gonna do anything about jon, or . . .

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** He’ll be fine :::::)

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** somehow that absolutely does not comfort me at all, thank you

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** That’s because you are weak, Stoker. The Spiders will come for you one day.

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** they can sure fucking try

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** me and my 128 oz raid canister won’t hesitate bitch

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** tim no D::::::

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** i would never do that to one of your spiders <333

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** annabelle’s are on thin ice, though.

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** You cannot kill me in a way that matters.

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** _ i can sure fucking try _

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** şＥＥ? ⓕя𝐢ＥŇ𝓭ş𝓱𝐢ｐ 𝐢ş Ａ𝔩𝔩 Ａᵇσ𝕌t t𝓱Ｅ σ𝓬𝓬Ａş𝐢σŇＡ𝔩 爪𝕌я𝓭Ｅя ＡttＥ爪ｐt!

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** נσŇＡt𝓱ＡŇ 𝐢ş Ňσt şｐＥ𝓬𝐢Ａ𝔩

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** gods i hate it when you’re right

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝐢 𝕂ŇσⓌ :)

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** SFSDK SEND HELP THERE’S A WAVE OF SPIDRS AFTER ME FUCKUFUKCFUKC

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** Where’d all that confidence go, huh?

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** jfkadsowkddhellp

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** annabelle

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** did you just bury my boyfriend in spiders

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** :::::)

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** sigh

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** don’t worry tim, i’m on my way

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** You never let me have any fun

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** i’m supposed to be the one that tracks spiderwebs all over the flat, not tim

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** also, i’m not sure he  _ won’t  _ start carrying around raid canisters if i don’t help him out

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** Coward

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** sorry, i don’t speak single

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** KSFJDLKMSD

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Martin this is why you’re my favorite

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** _ I’m coming for you next _

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** you can try ::::D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the clown crew's defense, they've *all* tried to kill each other at one point or another, jon is just a dramatic bitch. apologies for a shorter chapter this time, i kind of ran out of steam rip. the next few should be a bit longer to make up for it, though!!


	5. the pokemon trading card game is very serious business, okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasha “Sarchivist” James: Sigh  
> Sasha “Sarchivist” James: What’s the problem, Mike?  
> Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew: simon fucking fairchild is the problem  
> Annabelle “Webbie” Cane: Oh here we go again

**Basement Exiles**

**Mike “Sugarbaby“ Crew:** send help

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** oh hey mike, been a while since you’ve been on

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i was touring around america

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** but that’s not important i’m back now and i need help

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** “tσ𝕌я𝐢ŇＧ Ａяσ𝕌Ň𝓭” 𝓭σŇ’t 𝓱𝐢𝓭Ｅ ⓌＥ Ａ𝔩𝔩 𝕂ŇσⓌ 𝕪σ𝕌 şｐＥŇt 𝕪σ𝕌я t𝐢爪Ｅ 𝕪ＥＥt𝐢ŇＧ ｐＥσｐ𝔩Ｅ σⓕⓕ ᵇ𝕌𝐢𝔩𝓭𝐢ŇＧş ⓕσя ⓕ𝕌Ň

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** that was implied!! let me live!!

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Sigh

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** What’s the problem, Mike?

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** simon  **_fucking_ ** fairchild is the problem

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** Oh here we go again

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** the SECOND i touch down! the fucking second! the man slides his crusty ass into my DMs! i swear to fucking god he has a fucking tracker plented on me at this point!

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** he’s all like ‘ooooh, join my family’ and laments to me about how much i’m ‘missing out’ on everything he can offer me like i keep him around for anything other than money q

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** **_i don’t want to join your fucking polycule simon_ **

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** knowing him he probably  _ did  _ put a tracker on you tbh

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i’ve been combing through my stuff ever since i got back in search of it.

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** u could always join our polycule ;)

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** no thank you, tim. aro/ace, remember?

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** platonic polycule 👉👈

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝐢 t𝓱𝐢Ň𝕂 ⓌＥ t𝕪ｐ𝐢𝓬Ａ𝔩𝔩𝕪 𝓬Ａ𝔩𝔩 t𝓱Ａt ⓕя𝐢ＥŇ𝓭ş𝓱𝐢ｐ, ştσ𝕂Ｅя

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** oh, right

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Lakdjfad

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Tim forgets what friendship is, more at 11

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** I’d recommend checking your wallet, Mike ::::)

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** wh

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** FUCKER

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** he KNEW i’d never go anywhere without that

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** ?

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** bitch put it on my limited edition pikachu illustrator card

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** he better not have damaged it with glue or else i’m coming for his brittle ass

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Wait.

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Isn't that the card that goes for hundreds of thousands?

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** yeah

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i wasn’t going to spend actual money on it tho so i tracked down a guy who had it and threw him off a building

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i also have the shadowless holographic charizard but that’s not as important to me

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** fucking hell mike

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** i wasn’t aware the pokemon trading card game community was so brutal

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i take my cards very seriously.

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** i can tell

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood”:** why don’t you just use simon’s money?

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing i spend his money on stuff i like

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** plus it feeds the vast, so :)

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Wait, what do you use his money on, then?

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** leitners, mostly

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i’ve made sure to seek out solely buried related ones to get on his nerves

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** Oh, that’s evil.

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** I love it. 

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** thank you

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i do my best

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** wait, so do you just have like. a library’s worth of buried leitners

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** ew no

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i ship them straight to simon with a note that just says ‘mike <3’ every time

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** skdjsjdh

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** mike you’re an inspiration to us all

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i know

. . .

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** the notthem is just really extreme kinning

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Tim, what the fuck.

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** the notthem said time to kinshift and then they vore you

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** MARTIN NOT YOU TOO

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** every day we stray further from god

. . . 

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Why is there a furby on your desk, Tim

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** he’s my friend :)

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Well I’m pretty sure your “friend” just gave Jon a mini heart-attack 

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** has . . . has he ever seen a furby before??

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** By the looks of it? Absolutely not

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** I don’t think he even knows it talks yet

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** This should be fun ::::)

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Jon: What  _ is  _ that thing???

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Tim, with absolutely no hesitation: My son.

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** i’m not paying child support.

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** Ňσ σŇＥ tσ𝔩𝓭 爪Ｅ 𝐢t ⓌＡş tＡ𝕂Ｅ 𝕪σ𝕌я ⓕ𝕌яᵇ𝕪 tσ Ⓦσя𝕂 𝓭Ａ𝕪!!! 𝐢’ѶＥ ᵇＥＥŇ ᵇＥtяＡ𝕪Ｅ𝓭 💔

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** i’m almost afraid to ask but . . . you have a furby, michael?

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝕪Ｅş! 𝐢t’ş Ⓦ𝓱Ａt 𝕪σ𝕌 Ⓦσ𝕌𝔩𝓭 𝓬σ爪爪σŇ𝔩𝕪 яＥⓕＥя tσ Ａş Ａ “𝔩σŇＧ ⓕ𝕌яᵇ𝕪”, 𝐢 t𝓱𝐢Ň𝕂, Ｅ𝐗𝓬Ｅｐt σ𝕌яş 𝐢ş Ａ 𝔩σt ᵇＥttＥя t𝓱ＡŇ t𝓱σşＥ Ⓦ𝐢爪ｐ𝕪 Ｅ𝐗Ａ爪ｐ𝔩Ｅş

**Michael “Fuckhands” McMike:** 𝓱Ｅ𝔩ＥŇ ＡŇ𝓭 𝐢 รｐＡⓌŇＥ𝓭 𝐢t tσＧＥt𝓱Ｅя :D

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** please don’t ever refer to making a furby as spawning it every again.

**Annabelle “Webbie” Cane:** I personally don’t see what’s wrong

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** of course you don’t

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** IT JUST SPOKE AKDNAJDISUD

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** is that what that shriek was??

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** no, that was jon

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** i’m—

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** he jumped so far back i’m not sure he didn’t teleport

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** he accidentally hit junior and sent him flying, too, but he’s alright

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** ‘accidentally’

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** everyone knows the only way to destroy a furby is to engulf it within the flames of hell it came from

**Mike “Sugarbaby” Crew:** you. you called your furby junior.

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** yes :)

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** god i fucking WISH i’d gotten that on camera

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** Don’t worry dear, I was recording the whole time

**Tim “Timjamin” Stoker:** please marry me

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** is jon okay??

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** He’s alright. I think he’s more annoyed than anything now

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** You know those faces cats make after baths?

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** yeah . . . ?

**Sasha “Sarchivist” James:** That’s Jon 

**Martin “Kartin” Blackwood:** i’m in love 

**. . .**

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Jonny:** I am embarking on a quest to purge every single furby off of the face of this planet.

**Ellie:** ɛʋɛռ ʍɨռɛ D:

**Jonny:** You have—

**Jonny:** You know what? Knowing you,  _ especially  _ yours. 

**Ellie:** ȶɦɨֆ ɨֆ ʄʊʀɮʏքɦօɮɨǟ

**Jonny:** **_Good_ ** **.**

**Georgie:** jon calls upon the ceaseless watcher to turn its gaze upon this wretched thing and it’s just. a furby. he’s using his godlike powers on a furby. 

**Ollie:** in his defense, i’m pretty sure the only thing that  _ could  _ kill a furby would be an ancient fear god

**Gerry:** i dunno, i feel like daisy with a gun could also do the job

**Daisy:** we should test that 

**Daisy:** someone get me a gun and a furby

**Jonny:** Gladly.

**Nikki:** Why Would You Want To Kill A Furby? They Are The Most Peaceful Of The Stranger’s Creations :o(

**Jonny:** Of fucking  _ course  _ they’re Stranger.

**Ollie:** nikola i’m pretty certain i’ve dreamt of multiple furby-related deaths

**Nikki:** I Said Peaceful, Not Pacifistic! 

**Georgie:** w

**Georgie:** what’s the typical kill count of a furby

**Nikki:** :o)

**Nikki:** I’ll Tell You This Much: It’s Greater Than 1!

**Nikki:** The Probability Of You Getting Killed By A Furby Is Low

**Nikki:** But It’s Never Zero!

**Gerry:** i’m already dead

**Nikki:** Do Not Worry! That Won’t Stop Them :o)

**Jonny:** Ceaseless Watcher turn your gaze upon  _ me  _ and take me out of this hell-hole

**Daisy:** you won’t escape that easily fucker 

**Jonny:** _ If I die I am taking as many furbies down with me as I can. _

. . .

**Jonny:** I have learned that the furby is named Junior. It is Tim’s.

**Georgie:** hot tim??

**Jonny:** All my coworkers are hot, Georgie.

**Ellie:** ֆɨʍք

**Jonny:** Oh, says you.

**Ellie:** ǟȶ ʟɛǟֆȶ ɨ ɦǟʋɛ ǟ քǟʀȶռɛʀ. աɦօʀɛ.

**Georgie:** i thought you knew two tims

**Georgie:** the one that goes by gunpowder?

**Jonny:** OH

**Jonny:** No, that’s Jordan. His character goes by Gunpowder Tim.

**Georgie:** oh

**Georgie:** sorry for confusing it when  _ you  _ named your fucking crimesona after yourself

**Jonny:** I’M NOT A CREATIVE PERSON GEORGIE

**Daisy:** you’re?? the leader of a band??? you write for it???

**Jonny:** Don’t poke holes in my logic.

**Daisy:** you can’t stop me

**Nikki:** Do You Not Think Jordan Is Hot? That Is Rude, Georgina!

**Georgie:** sorry that i’m not attracted to people covered in ants 90% of the time

**Gerry:** corruptionphobia

**Ollie:** good

**Gerry:** what did the corruption ever do to you??

**Ollie:** Jane stalked my apartment for 3 weeks.

**Nikki:** That’s Just How She Makes Friends!

**Ollie:** yeah, try explaining to your non-avatar boyfriend why there’s a worm lady fervently knocking on your door, calling about listening to a song no one but her can hear

**Nikki:** Graham Is Rude.

**Ollie:** I AM NOT EXPLAINING TO HIM JANE NEARLY KILLING US IS JUST HOW SHE MAKES FRIENDS

**Nikki:** Then I Will.

**Ollie:** _ if you’re in my washing machine again I swear to god _

**Nikki:** I Never Revisit My Spots After They Are Found Out. Fool.

**Daisy:** you’re still in his apartment though, aren’t you

**Nikki:** Well Of Course!

**Ollie:** I want death

**Georgie:** you are death??

**Ollie:** fuck

**Ollie:** Graham says you’re with the wine glasses

**Nikki:** SNITCH

**Ollie:** I’m going to fucking seal that with concrete and trap you inside

**Nikki:** Aw, You Think Concrete Can Stop Me! Cute :o3

**Ollie:** fuck you fuck you fuck you

. . .

**Jonny - > Gerry**

**Jonny:** He . . . he still doesn’t know, huh.

**Gerry:** graham: hey i randomly just happen to know where the clown in our flat is hiding without absolutely any searching whatsoever

**Gerry:** oliver: neat! this is a Normal Human Ability

**Jonny:** I regret putting any faith in him.

**Gerry:** sux

. . .

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Nikki:** Oliver, You Are So Rude >:o( There Was No Need To Hit Me With A Broom >:o/

**Ollie:** you wouldn’t come down from my ceiling fan

**Ollie:** I can do whatever the fuck I want

**Ellie:** ȶɦǟȶ'ֆ ʍʏ ʄʊƈӄɨռɢ ɢɨʀʟʄʀɨɛռɖ!!

**Ollie:** please come and take her. I’m losing my mind.

**Ellie:** ɢօօɖ ʄօʀ ʏօʊ! ʏօʊ ʟօʋɛ ȶօ ֆɛɛ ɨȶ :)

**Georgie:** telling the throat of delusion incarnate that you’re going insane is probably the second-worst idea you’ve ever had

**Gerry:** what was his first worst?

**Georgie:** becoming friends with us

**Jonny:** It’s  _ not  _ impersonating a chemist when he’s never taken an advanced science class in his life just so he could get some sleep?? Which didn’t even end up working, considering it ended up with them all  _ dead _ .

**Daisy:** nah, i think that one’s perfectly logical

**Gerry:** still can’t believe you did that tbh

**Ollie:** I was desperate!! I hadn’t slept well in months! Logical thought was not present!

**Daisy:** is it ever

**Ollie:** fuck off 

**Gerry:** wait what did graham think when you went away for like 2 months to fuckoffland?

**Ollie:** . . . I told him I was going on a family vacation

**Georgie:** you have family??

**Ollie:** absolutely none

**Jonny:** It be like that.

**Nikki:** Every Time Jon Quotes A Meme I Feel More Of My Life Slowly Slip Away Between My Fingers

**Jonny:** This is payback.

**Nikki:** For What???

**Jonny:** Yes.

**Nikki:**

**Nikki:** Okay. You Know What? That’s Fair

**Jonny:** Exactly.

**Nikki:** Speaking Of Which!! We Should Go On Another Road Trip :oD

**Daisy:** oh no

**Daisy:** not again

**Daisy:** i can’t stand being in the car with you fuckers for more than 30 minutes again

**Gerry:** harsh but fair

**Ellie:** ɨ ɖօռ'ȶ ӄռօա, ɨ ȶɦօʊɢɦȶ ɨȶ աǟֆ ʄʊռ

**Jonny:** Of course  _ you  _ did.

**Georgie:** oh that’s worrying

**Ollie:** as long as Jon’s not the one driving.

**Jonny:** THAT TREE APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE OKAY

**Ollie:** BOTH TIMES??? BOTH FUCKING TIMES JONATHAN???

**Jonny:** YES!! HELEN IS FRAMING ME

**Ellie:** ɨ ǟʍ ռօȶ! ɨ աօʊʟɖ ռɛʋɛʀ ɖօ ֆօʍɛȶɦɨռɢ ǟֆ ɮօʀɨռɢ ǟֆ ǟ ȶʀɛɛ

**Ellie:** ʍǟʏɮɛ ǟ ɦօȶɛʟ. ȶɦǟȶ աօʊʟɖ ɮɛ ʄʊռ.

**Georgie:** okay hotel california kinnie

**Jonny:** She’s  _ literally  _ the embodiment of lies!! Of  _ course  _ she’s not going to say she was the one who did it!!   
**Nikki:** I Trust Her :o)

**Gerry:** rt

**Georgie:** rt

**Daisy:** RT

**Ollie:** Rt

**Ellie:** ʀȶ!

**Nikki:** Rt!

**Jonny:** **_You can’t rt your own fucking comment._ **

**Nikki:** I Do What I Want

**Nikki:** I Don’t Have To Listen To Someone Whose Middle Name Is Pogchamp

**Ollie:** YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS WHAT

**Daisy:** alksdjf

**Daisy:** JONATHAN POGCHAMP SIMS

**Daisy:** THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

**Georgie:** oh my god

**Georgie:** how did i not know this

**Georgie:** i’m crying

**Gerry:** jon please tell me she’s wrong

**Jonny:**

**Jonny:** _ How do you know that. _

**Nikki:** I Bribed Graham Into Telling Me :o)

**Gerry:** _ how does graham know that?? _

**Nikki:** I Don’t Question His Methods.

**Ollie:** oh my god I want his hand in marriage

**Ellie:** ֆɨʍք

**Ollie:** says you

**Jonny:** I’m going to kill him.

**Ollie:** don’t you fucking dare 

**Daisy:** you think someone named pogchamp has the power to kill??

**Ollie:** probably not

**Jonny:** I hate it here.

**Ollie:** join the fucking club pal

. . .

**Chosen Gang**

**Squirtle:** hey agnes :)

**Squirtle:** did you know jon changed his middle name to pogchamp :)

**Bulbasaur:** NOT HERE TOO

**Squirtle:** you must learn that your actions have consequences.

**Bulbasaur:** Is the entire chat bullying me not enough?

**Squirtle:** for  _ your _ crimes? never

**Charmander:**

**Charmander:** . . . Jude says she likes it

**Bulbasaur:** VINDICATIOOOOOON

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoever started the "jon's changed his middle name to pogchamp" meme, i love you, please marry me. it lives in my head rent-free and refuses to leave. also! jordan kennedy is voiced by tim ledsan, who plays gunpowder tim in the mechanisms :3 they'll be making an appearance here and there, so fair warning for my mechanisms brainrot infecting all my work from here on out


	6. ah, the marquis de all the knives. now there was a worthy foe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin K. Blackwood: does anyone know where the files on gerard keay went? they’re not filed under K like i thought they’d be  
> Sasha James: Have you tried the Gs?   
> Martin K. Blackwood: yeah, they’re not there either. i even tried the Ds in case it was under delano. do you know if anyone’s used them recently?  
> Tim Stoker: not that i know of, but i’ll ask around  
> Martin K. Blackwood: thanks tim <3  
> Jonathan Sims: Oh. Oh no.  
> Sasha James: Everything okay Jon?  
> Jonathan Sims: I would . . . recommend checking under S, Martin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's all over the place. i apologize in advance
> 
> (ashes is basira, toy soldier is nikola, gunpowder is jordan. everyone else are from the mechs themselves ^^)

**cool kidz zone**

**Martin K. Blackwood:** does anyone know where the files on gerard keay went? they’re not filed under K like i thought they’d be

**Sasha James:** Have you tried the Gs? 

**Martin K. Blackwood:** yeah, they’re not there either. i even tried the Ds in case it was under delano. do you know if anyone’s used them recently?

**Tim Stoker:** not that i know of, but i’ll ask around

**Martin K. Blackwood:** thanks tim <3

**Jonathan Sims:** Oh. Oh no.

**Sasha James:** Everything okay Jon?

**Jonathan Sims:** I would . . . recommend checking under S, Martin.

**Martin K. Blackwood:** S? that’s kind of odd, but i’ll see!

**Jonathan Sims:** Yes. I suppose it is.

. . . 

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Jonny:** Hey, Gerry?

**Gerry:** yeah? what’s up?

**Jonny:** Do you remember summer two years ago? 

**Gerry:** is this about when melanie got shot by a ghost or when nikola had nothing but gatorade and beef jerky for a week straight during our road trip and temporarily lost the ability to see color

**Ollie:** or when we had to break Daisy out of jail because she got arrested for spray painting dicks on police vehicles

**Jonny:**

**Jonny:** I was referring to when Gerry and I got married, but thank you for reminding me how absolutely fucking insane our lives are.

**Gerry:** ooooh  _ that _

**Georgie:** i’d nearly forgotten nik was an ordained minister

**Nikki:** I Am A Woman Of Many Talents :oD

**Gerry:** yeah, what about it?

**Jonny:** When we changed your name on every database we could find . . . did we change them in the Magnus Institute, too?

**Gerry:** yeah we did

**Gerry:** i still have gertrude’s seething voice message if that’s what you’re after

**Daisy:** wait, are you two still married??

**Gerry:** nik’s an ordained minister, not a divorce lawyer

**Ellie:** ռօ, ɮʊȶ ɨ ǟʍ!

**Ollie:** helen What

**Ellie:** ɦɛʟɛռ աǟֆ ǟ ʟǟաʏɛʀ ɮɛʄօʀɛ ֆɦɛ աɛռȶ ɨռȶօ ʀɛǟʟ ɛֆȶǟȶɛ

**Ellie:** ֆɦɛ ǟƈȶʊǟʟʟʏ աօʀӄɛɖ աɨȶɦ ʏօʊʀ ɮօֆֆ ǟ ʄɛա ȶɨʍɛֆ, ʝօռ!

**Jonny:** . . . Gertrude?

**Ellie:** ռօ, ɛʟɨǟֆ!!

**Georgie:** who the FUCK willingly married elias’ crusty ass

**Ollie:** I mean, in their defense it at least looks like they realized their mistake

**Gerry:** so why’d you ask jon?

**Jonny:** My coworker was trying to find your file, but was unable to find it under the letter K.

**Gerry:** oooooh

**Daisy:** akdjsjhd

**Daisy:** ‘hey jon why does this dead twink have the same last name as you’

**Nikki:** “Oh, We Got Married In Vegas Two Years Ago”

**Jonny:** I’m blocking both of you.

**Nikki:** You Can Try!

**Ollie:** did you change it to Gerard Sims or Gerard Sims-Keay

**Gerry:** gerard sims

**Gerry:** i wanted another fuck you to my mum

**Ellie:** ʋǟʟɨɖ!!!! 

**Georgie:** to your credit, sims is a fairly common last name

**Georgie:** they probably won’t question it

**Ollie:** since when is Jon  _ ever  _ lucky?

**Georgie:** that’s fair

**Jonny:** I am never coming to any of you for support ever again.

**Daisy:** we love you too <3

. . .

**cool kidz zone**

**Martin K. Blackwood:** i found it! thanks jon, you were right!

**Jonathan Sims:** Ah, no problem. I just had a hunch, that’s all.

**Sasha James:** It must’ve been misfiled then

**Martin K. Blackwood:** i don’t think so? it looks more like someone changed the name in the official listings

**Martin K. Blackwood:** i actually had to check and make sure i had the right one

**Timothy Stoker:** isn’t he dead? how’d he get a name change?

**Martin K. Blackwood:** i’m not sure, but apparently anything pertaining to him is listed under gerard sims, not gerard keay

**Martin K. Blackwood:** just a heads up for the rest of you!!

**Sasha James:** Don’t discriminate, Tim. Dead people can get name changes if they want to

**Timothy Stoker:** ?????

**Sasha James:** And thank you, Martin, we don’t deserve you <3

**Martin K. Blackwood:** i was just doing my job

**Martin K. Blackwood:** if anything we should be thanking jon

**Martin K. Blackwood:** i probably never would’ve found it without his help

**Jonathan Sims:** It was nothing, really. Just a hunch, as I said.

**Timothy Stoker:** weird that he now has the same name as you though, isn’t it?

**Jonathan Sims:** Sims is a fairly common last name, Tim. It’s probably just a coincidence.

**Timothy Stoker:** uh huh 👀

. . .

**high noon over the archives**

**Guinevere:** Tim, I can basically feel you vibrating. What is it now?

**Lancelot:** hear me out. 

**Arthur:** this isn’t going to be another conspiracy theory, is it?

**Lancelot:** oh you know it is dear marto

**Lancelot:** buckle up!

**Arthur:** oh god 

**Guinevere:** I wish Gertrude never asked me to be transferred.

**Lancelot:** so jon somehow instantly knew gerard’s file wasn’t going to be under k, right? and he  _ also  _ somehow instantly knew it would be under s instead. i propose that after his death, gerard became a ghost through some wacky ass leitner bullshit, and met jon through some scooby-doo style shenanigans that  _ probably  _ involved one of them being kidnapped in the process. after they escaped, gerard asked jon to destroy the leitner, because being a ghost is probably not a lot of fun if you’re stuck to a book the whole time. but before he goes, he has one final request: to have a bomb-ass vegas wedding. jon agrees, because he became indebted to gerard during their aforementioned kidnapping session, and they instantly get married right then and there. fireworks, booze, piñatas, the whole shebang. jon then destroys the leitner to fulfil their promise, and changes every instance of gerard’s name from keay to sims to honor his legacy

**Lancelot:** this also explains the MCR ring i saw jon wear once because it WAS real sasha and i was NOT just imagining things!!

**Arthur:** tim, i love you, but what the fuck

**Lancelot:** the truth can be hard to swallow

**Guinevere:** Maybe, and hear me out, as a Magnus Institute employee, he’s been touched by the Eye and Knew that way

**Lancelot:** nope impossible i’ve figured it all out through my genius deduction skills

**Arthur:** also, you saw jon wearing a MCR ring??

**Lancelot:** YES AND SASHA REFUSES TO BELIEVE IT'S REAL

**Guinevere:** There is  _ no  _ way Jonathan Sims knows anything but classical music.

**Arthur:** i dunno, i can see emo jon

**Lancelot:** EMO JON AJDJSJFND

**Guinevere:** Cursed thought cursed thought

**. . .**

**cool kidz zone**

**Timothy Stoker:** btw jon, do you know what emo means?

**Sasha James:** I’m coming for your kneecaps Tim

**Timothy Stoker:** owo oh nwo not my nico nico knweecaps 

**_Sasha James has muted Timothy Stoker for 1 hour_ **

**_Reason: you know what you’ve done_ **

**Sasha James:** Ignore him :)

**Jonathan Sims:** . . . I think I will, thank you.

. . .

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Jonny:** _ They’re onto me. _

**Ellie:** ֆʊӼ

**Ollie:** what, like they’ve figured out you married a ghost with a mannequin clown as a minister? You’ll be fine

**Jonny:** Tim asked me if I know what emo is, Oliver.

**Ollie:** oh yeah you’re fucked lol

**Georgie:** emo jon,,,,, secondary school was a dark time

**Nikki:** As If He’s Gotten Any Better! If Anything, I Think This Is A Downgrade

**Nikki:** Emo To Dark Academia Is The Opposite Of A Glow Up

**Daisy:** give the man some credit at least

**Daisy:** he’s steampunk on the side

**Nikki:** Speaking Of Which, Can You Tell The Others I Can’t Make It To Practice Tonight? We’re Holding A Ceremony :o(

**Jonny:** Can’t you tell them yourself?

**Nikki:** No.

**Jonny:** Urgh, fine. I’ll update you if Basira catches anything on fire again.

**Nikki:** Thank You <3

**Jonny:** The things I do for you people.

**Georgie:** you love us

**Jonny:** Regrettably.

**Daisy:** hey jooooon

**Jonny:** Oh no

**Daisy:** what would you do . . .

**Daisy:** if i told your co-workers about the mechs

**Jonny:** Die.

**Ollie:** are you telling Daisy to die or saying you yourself will?

**Jonny:** Yes.

**Nikki:** Even If She Did, I Doubt They Would Believe Her! I Do Not Look At You And Think Jonny D’Ville

**Jonny:** Thank you, Nikola.

**Nikki:** I Look At You And Think ‘I Want That Twink Obliterated!’

**Daisy:** same

**Jonny:** It appears I spoke too soon.

**Nikki:** Do Not Worry, Jon, I Think The Same Thing Whenever I See Oliver, Too :o)!

**Ollie:** EXCUSE YOU, I am a TWUNK   
**Ellie:** ʏɛǟɦ, ɨռ ʏօʊʀ ɖʀɛǟʍֆ

**Ellie:** օɦ աǟɨȶ. ռօȶ ɛʋɛռ ȶɦɛռ :)

**Ollie:** I wish the satellite had killed me.

**Daisy:** sucks to suck!

. . . 

**Jonny:** Hey, Nik, can you bring a new keyboard next practice? Raph’s current one is having . . . issues.

**Georgie:** issues as in . . .

**Jonny:** Gunpowder.

**Georgie:** understandable have a nice day 

**Nikki:** Will Do! Seriously Though, Tell Him To Get His Kids Under Control! This Is The Fifth One This Month!

**Gerry:** kids??

**Jonny:** Nik calls his ants his children. 

**Nikki:** Jane Calls Her Worms Her Children! Jordan Is Just In Denial

**Daisy:** starting a band half made up of avatars wasn't your best idea huh

**Jonny:** We didn’t mean to, in our defense. The only one I really knew back then was Nikola.

**Nikki:** It Was A Happy Accident :oD

**Jonny:** . . . Make that a new glockenspiel, as well. Basira just set it on fire. 

**Nikki:** NOT MY GLOCK

**Jonny:** Maybe show up next time and this won’t happen.

**Nikki:** Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You

**Ollie:** how the fuck do you guys get any work done

**Daisy:** they don’t :)

**Georgie:** interview into the backstage workings of the mechanisms but it’s just 45 minutes of them trying to kill each other

**Gerry:** yeah that sounds about right

**Jonny:** Please don’t encourage Melanie.

**Georgie:** too late :)

**Jonny:** GEORGIE

**Georgie:** she won’t  _ actually  _

**Jonny:** Good.

. . . 

**Georgie:** update: i was wrong

**Jonny:** GODDAMNIT

**Ollie:** rip Jon

**Gerry:** death by angry lesbian

**Daisy:** god i wish that were me

**Gerry:** daisy, you  _ are  _ the angry lesbian in this equation

**Daisy:** oh yeah lol

**. . .**

**The Aurora**

**Ashes O'Reilly:** Hey Jonny, I’m coming over

**Jonny d’Ville:** Did Daisy forget her switchblade here again?

**Ashes O’Reilly:** No

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Well, probably, but that’s not my problem

**Ashes O’Reilly:** It’s my week with the Marquis 

**Jonny d’Ville:** Oh, right. I forgot.

**Ashes O’Reilly:** You better not have lost him again.

**Jonny d’Ville:** I would never!

**Marius von Raum:** haven’t u like, twice now?

**Jonny d’Ville:** Shut up Marius.

**Nastya Rasputina:** Awww he’s angy

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Anyways, I’m coming to pick him up

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Don’t forget it’s your week next, Brian

**Drumbot Brian:** :thumbs up:

**Drumbot Brian:** wait shit this isn’t discord

**Ivy Alexandria:** How do you  _ always  _ forget that??

**Drumbot Brian:** i have other priorities

**Ivy Alexandria:** ???

**Drumbot Brian:** you wouldn’t understand 

**Ivy Alexandria:** I don’t think I want to

. . .

**Clown Crew 😎**

**Jonny:** _ @Georgie @Gerry  _ Have either of you seen the Marquis?

**Gerry:** i’m sorry  _ who _ ?

**Jonny:** The Marquis de All the Knives? Basira’s on their way to pick him up for their week with him and they’ll kick my ass if I lose him again.

**Georgie:** he. he means the roomba. the one they all taped like 50 knives to.

**Gerry:** _ ooh _

**Gerry:** no clue lmao

**Georgie:** he’s in the pantry. he kept stabbing into furniture so i put him in gay baby jail

**Jonny:** I’ll try to wrangle him, then. Tell me if Basira gets here early.

**Gerry:** we won’t <3

**Daisy:** you fuckers care more about that roomba than you do yourselves

**Jonny:** It’s true, but you shouldn’t say it.

**Gerry:** where did you even get all those knives???

**Georgie:** they were melanie’s old collection

**Georgie:** she didn’t want them anymore so the mechs swept them up like the gremlins they are

**Jonny:** Um. The Marquis isn’t here, Georgie.

**Georgie:** no, he is. i put his dock there and everything because i know how much you guys bitch when his batteries die

**Jonny:** No, that’s not here, either.

**Ollie:** are. Are you telling me there is a wild, 50-knifed roomba on the loose.

**Jonny:** . . . That is certainly a possibility, yes.

**Jonny:** _ Wait a damn second. _

**Daisy:** oop here we go

**Jonny: I’ll be right back.**

**. . .**

**The Aurora**

**Jonny d’Ville:** So Ashes, bad news: the Marquis isn’t here.

**Jonny d’Ville:** Good news: I Know exactly where he went.

**Jonny d’Ville:** Bad news: TS took him.

**Ashes O’Reilly:** GODDAMNIT

**Raphaella la Cognizi:** again???

**Raphaella la Cognizi:** you really need to start installing better locks jonny

**Jonny d’Ville:** I HAVE

**Jonny d’Ville:** I’ve learned it can’t be stopped by the mere presence of locks.

**Marius von Raum:** oh yeah it broke through my walls last time lol

**Marius von Raum:** i covered the hole with a painting and honestly i don’t think my landlord has noticed yet

**Gunpowder Tim:** how the fuck

**Marius von Raum:** don’t look a gift horse in the mouth tim

**Ashes O’Reilly:** _ @Toy Soldier  _ get in here

**Toy Soldier:** Hello! What Is It That You Need From Me :SD

**Ashes O’Reilly:** You know what you’ve done. Return what is mine.

**Toy Soldier:** You Mean The Marquis? No, I Don’t Think I Will! I Never Get To Have Him! This Is Needed Family Bonding Time!

**Ivy Alexandria:** TS, last time you had custody of him you let him loose in seven different toy stores before we were able to catch up with you.

**Toy Soldier:** Yes, That Was Our Family Bonding Time! He Seemed To Really Be Enjoying Himself!

**Gunpowder Tim:** still say we should’ve let him continue tbh

**Nastya Rasputina:** Shut up Tim

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Jonny, where’s TS currently?

**Jonny d’Ville:** In Helen.

**Dumbot Brian:** TMI my guy

**Jonny d’Ville:** NO not like that, get your mind out of the gutter Brian. It’s literally  _ in  _ Helen. It fled to the Corridors.

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Cheater

**Toy Soldier:** Sorry My Girlfriend Has Cooler Eldritch Powers THan Yours :S/

**Ashes O’Reilly:** That it I’m going in

**Raphaella la Cognizi:** oh no

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Jonny, you’re coming with.

**Jonny d’Ville:** I don’t have a choice, do I?

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Considering it’s your fault TS has the Marquis in the first place? Absolutely not

**Gunpowder Tim:** ha suck it

**Jonny d’Ville:** I’ll drag you down with me too I swear to god Tim.

**Gunpowder Tim:** what’s that haha i think i hear jane calling i gotta go

**Jonny d’Ville:** Coward.

**Nastya Rasputina:** Says you

**Toy Soldier:** You’ll Never Find Us! Me And The Marquis Need To Make Up For Lost Time

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Fuck

. . .

**Drumbot Brian:** nothing like watching the news and seeing your dumbass friends front and center

**Marius von Raum:** oh god what did they do

**Drumbot Brian:** i tune in to the news station just to see if i’m going to need an umbrella today and the first thing i see is a news reporter being chased by what they’ve dubbed as a “killer roomba”

**Ivy Alexandria:** They’re technically not wrong. I’m pretty sure that the Marquis is perpetually out for blood.

**Gunpowder Tim:** good for him :)

**Drumbot Brian:** oh, there’s TS. 

**Drumbot Brian:** oooof, that’s gonna leave a mark

**Nastya Rasputina:** ?

**Drumbot Brian:** it just tackled jonny to the ground

**Marius von Raum:** he weighs like -40 kilos

**Raphaella la Cognizi:** _ it’s made of solid plastic _

**Drumbot Brian:** hence why i said that’s gonna leave a mark

**Ivy Alexandria:** Any visual on Ashes?

**Drumbot Brian:** no, it’s a bit hard to make out anything because the camera’s shaking too much

**Drumbot Brian:** wait 

**Drumbot Brian:** i’d recognize that leather jacket anywhere

**Drumbot Brian:** daisy just sparta kicked the marquis off-screen 

**Marius von Raum:** ladkjfk

**Marius von Raum:** OUR SON

**Raphaella la Cognizi:** i’m sure he’s fine

**Raphaella la Cognizi:** i’ve seen nastya take a hammer to him before and not even make a dent

**Raphaella la Cognizi:** i don’t think he can be destroyed

**Gunpowder Tim:** yeah, probably not

**Gunpowder Tim:** i’m more worried for daisy’s feet at this point

**Drumbot Brian:** it looks like she’s wearing her steel-toed boots, so i think she’s alright

**Gunpowder Tim:** bold of you to assume the marquis’ rage hasn’t given him the power to pierce through solid metal

**Gunpowder Tim:** god knows what being around us has done to him

**Jonny d’Ville:** Akdfn eHelp sme

**Jonny d’Ville:** It wontjd gett ouff

**Toy Soldier:** This Is What You Get For Being So Mean!

**Ivy Alexandria:** TS, please, you’re going to kill him.

**Toy Soldier:** Hmph

**Toy Soldier:** Just Because It’s You, Ivy! 

**Ivy Alexandria:** Thank you.

**Jonny d’Ville:** I think you just bruised like 10 of my ribs.

**Toy Soldier:** Does That Mean I Can Have Them???

**Jonny d’Ville:** NO.

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Update: The Marquis is once again under our control. Daisy managed to subdue him until his batteries exhausted themselves.

**Nastya Rasputina:** How. How was she able to—

**Ashes O’Reilly:** Don’t ask.

**Ashes O’Reilly:** On a related note, I’m still going to be stopping by your place, Jonny

**Jonny d’Ville:** W-why?

**Ashes O’Reilly:** I need to get Gerry to check out the Marquis. I’m not convinced he  _ hasn’t  _ become a pseudo-avatar of the Slaughter at this point

**Jonny d’Ville:** Okay yeah that's fair.

**Toy Soldier:** I’m So Proud :SD

**Marius von Raum:** i hope you know that if the marquis revolts you’re probably the first one on his list TS

**Toy Soldier:** I Wouldn’t Have It Any Other Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will forever stand by the theory that the only thing the mechs have truly ever been bested by was a roomba of their own creation. no i do not take constructive criticism


End file.
